The Payoffs and the Ripoffs and the Things Nobody Saw

So baby, here's your ticket Put the suitcase in your hand Here's a little money now Do it just the way we planned You be cool for twenty hours And I'll pay you twenty grand

There's a seedy underbelly to this town, and it's part of the reason I moved here. I'm far from an outlaw; I went to private school ffs, But there has always been something appealing to me about the pirate life, living a step ahead of the law, defying convention. It's here in spades, but you have to look for it. The powers that be have crafted a veneer of a picture-perfect UNESCO World Heritage Site 1500's town. And it can be that, if you want it to be. But there's more, and tonight I found a little bit of it. 

The sailors and pilots The soldiers and the law The pay offs and the rip offs the things nobody saw No matter if it's heroin, cocaine, or hash You've got to carry weapons Cause you always carry cash

"So this fella in Belize paid us $5K to move these bales of weed from Belize to Florida, and I was 24 with nothing else to do so what the hell," was how the story started. I'm at my go-to bar, The Snug, and this 50ish  fella rolls in looking every bit the part of a midwestern stockbroker on vacation. Unless he was full of shit, and most people here are, this cat has lived a life. So he and his buddy "acquire' a sailboat, stow the weed below, and begin their venture. Sadly, they encountered a hurricane. At this point, their options were limited, and discussions were had. 2-5 years was the generally accepted sentence for drug running in those days, so they accepted their fate and radioed the US Coast Guard. 'It was that or die, man." Coast Guard shows up and never board the boat and towed our heroes to Corpus. I didn't ask what happened with the weed, which upon reflection seems relevant. 

There's lots of shady characters and lots of dirty deals Every name's an alias in case somebody squeals It's the lure of easy money, it's got a very strong appeal

A love story. No, really. "I was detained in JFK the day I met my wife and future mother of my children." This guy, a different guy, had been illegally living in Williamsburg, Brooklyn for awhile, completely illegally. He's Northern Irish, but Catholic (aside: the violence continues there. He was home for a month, and there were seven bombings. It's not reported because people like to believe it's solved. It isn't.). He and a woman he'd never met had been chatting online and sparks flew. He was going to Burning Man, but they had plans to meet up when he returned. He returned, but was detained by immigration. After the necessary interrogation, he was handed his passport and told to wait in a room for the police who were going to take him to jail for deportation. Our guy jiggled the knob, and it was open. He kept walking. Nobody stopped him until he saw a Yellow Cab, got in and left. He got home and had some drinks, as one would, and messaged his girl. They met for a drink. Unfortunately, the day's earlier cocktails proved to be a truth serum. He revealed that he enjoyed his cocktails, his weed, the occasional line of blow and was currently on the run from the law. But he was around 40 years old and was ready to settle down.

This gal grabbed her shit and ran for the train. 

Well, fortunately, our friend chased her down and told her that despite all that, he felt that they could make a go of it. She offered the cheek kiss goodbye, but he went in for the kill. A 10 minute makeout later on a train platform, she told him to call her tomorrow. 

He did. They are married with 2 kids and live in Antigua, Guatemala. 

It's a cool place, gang. I can't wait for more. 

Perhaps you'd understand it better standing in my shoes It's the ultimate enticement It's the smuggler's blues

Smuggler's Blues: Glenn Frey (still a goddamn jam)

Taxes, Earthquakes and Mosquitos

Still putting off going to the SAT, which is the tax department in Guatemala. In order to get a tag for my scooter,

That's SAT, behind the bus

I have to have a NIT, which is sort of like a social security number. You get the NIT at the SAT. The problem is my Espanol skills. I can absolutely ask for what I need, that's not the problem. The problem arises should they, and they will, have questions. I learned this the hard way. Fresh out of class one day and feeling plucky as hell in my Spanish abilities, I decided to order food delivered. (Aside: Everywhere delivers here. fast food, fine dining, everything will come to your house). I ordered from Hector's, which is a fancy place that has carpaccio. Well, I told the kindly gentleman on the phone that I wanted my food a domicilio and what I wanted. That part went fine. Then he started asking me things.

it's not the carpaccio but Hector's kicks ass

My heart began to race and I felt a panic attack coming on so I told him I'd have to call him back and hung up. This is how I imagine my trip to the SAT going, except I have to have the tag and I didn't have to eat carpaccio.

Then, I saw the owner of my Spanish school out on Friday who told the folks at the bar that I was having trouble. So now all of Antigua knows that I am stupid. LOOK LADY I AM NOT A GOOD CLASSROOM LEARNER AND I NEVER HAVE BEEN GET OFF MY BACK. I study around 2-3 hours a day, and I can speak fine when I need to but when my teacher asks me about a word, I am struck stupid for some reason. It's always been that way. No idea how I got through law school, which is literally nothing but that, but here I am.

Also, in other scooter-related news, I still haven't figured out who has the right-of-way here which is sure to result in my getting t-boned and dying on the cobblestone streets of Antigua. I think it's Avenidas traffic, which is north/south, but motorcycles and scooters don't seem to care either way. So I drive like a granny at intersections, and everyone zooms past me.

People here are hyper sensitive to the slightest temperature changes. I saw today that friends in Alabama had a nice day in the 70's but were expecting freezing temperatures tonight. Antigua would lose its collective mind if that happened here. It's basically the exact same every day: 72-78 in the day, 50-55 at night, but one day is a few degrees colder than the past, you'd think a blizzard has rolled in. Heavy sweaters, puffy jackets, the whole deal. I'd also like to point out that shorts aren't really a thing here. Everyone wears pants or jeans. Soccer was a spring sport when I was a kid, so I guess I got used to wearing shorts in cold weather, so it takes alot for my legs to get cold, so I'm the idiot who always walks around Antigua in shorts, looking like a clown.

I've clearly buried the lede here, but we had an earthquake this week. Well, notsomuch us as the folks close to the Pacific had an earthquake that we felt. It was a 5.4 on the Richter scale which isn't a big deal I don't suppose. Earthquakes aren't what you think they are. Well, maybe if you're slap ass in the middle of one, it is, but when you aren't there really isn't any shaking, it's more of a rolling sensation. The best analogy I can give you is that you're in a wave. Either way, Steve was having none of it, and there's just not a way to tell a dog to calm down during a quake.

Which reminds me, my buddy Harvell tells me that there was a 4.7 quake in Mobile. I don't understand that, but he said his store shook a little and everything. We don't have any fault lines, so I dunno.

Mosquitos. Brah. They everywhere. I think it's because my apartment is next to a plant nursery and across the street from a coffee farm, but as much as I want to leave my doors and windows open because the weather is literally nice all the time, I can't because of them skeeters and only one window has a screen. If I know where to get screens that would solve the problem, yet I do not and nobody else seems to know either. So if you come visit, bring bug spray.

Happy Holidays to all if you celebrate. If you do not, have a good week. I leave for New Orleans on Friday. Not sure of my plans at all, but if you find yourself that way, give me a holler.

Trash Can Dreams. They Do Come True

Name the song. Because it reminds me alot of this place. It was written about New York, but it seems awfully applicable about this place. So many Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters with backpacks, and they are mostly wonderful. Except the Australians. We have a beef so hot it would burn your mouth. Except they don't know about it, so whatever.

I'm starting to love this town. That doesn't mean I couldn't leave it for the right opportunity, but man, it's magical. In the past few days I  watched Volcan Fuego erupt from my terrace with my dog and a bottle of wine, the lovely Jacki invited me to a bbq (okay, calm down Alabama, I'm not going to get into the bbq/cookout thing here but yes, I took issues with the nomenclature), from which I just returned. There were a bunch of people from all over the world in a flowered covered courtyard, dogs everywhere (Steve had a helluva time), a guy from Guate City who owns a steakhouse brought in steaks, There was candlelight, wine. it's what you imagine the perfect dinner party is like, but it was real. Could not ask for anything more (props to grillmaster Sagan). Couldn't find a tuk tuk home so I stopped in to Travel Menu for a beer and a shot until one rolled by.  Met a few great people, (that's the thing here, you sit down at the bar and people immediately ask your name and want to know what's up with you. The antithesis of Orange Beach) bonded with my friend/bartender Lori in calling each other assholes, like you do .  Finally, a tuk tuk came by,

Steve and I hopped in (he's become accustomed), and we're home.

Spanish class: still kicking my ass, but it's necessary. I think I learn differently? I dunno.  What I'm doing is working, I know, but memorization has never been something I'm good at (also I default to French when I don't know a word, but I'm getting better about that) But when I get out in the streets, I know those words and I'm able to communicate. Ordered Dominos's for delivery last week, and they understood. ALSO: Little Caesar's is a thing here. FFS.

Gotta go back to the Bodegona tomorrow. In a town of 40,000 people, there's one grocery store. If anybody wants to make a bunch of money, build a grocery on the South end of town. One that's organized. The odd thing is the taped together stuff. There's even a facebook group: "shit taped together at the Bodegona." No lie. Sometimes it's normal, like mayo and ketchup taped together. Sometimes it's a bottle of wine and shoe polish. Nobody knows. It's Guatemala.

Dunno if I told you, but the neighbor who complained about Steve's barking has moved. So bark your head off, mi perro. Bark.

Oh, so we burned the devil this week. So here's the deal with that. Every year on 7 Deciembre, they burn a big papier mache devil to start the Christmas season. You can buy a mini-devil to burn at your own house if that's your bag. Also they read the devil's will, but I'm not sure he has assets. Anyhow, this year it got political. The mayor (a woman) is not terribly popular. So this year, they decided to burn a she-devil, a diabla, if you will. It's a huge production: bands, beers, whatnot. But apparently, the mayora got wind that she was being mocked and had her people steal the devil. People got pissed and demanded the return of the devil. Not sure how, but the devil was returned and the burning of la diabla went on as scheduled.

What else? A great friend in New Orleans invited me to come spend the holidays there, and I'm really excited about that. I know people here, yes, but I don't really have friends that I can call about hanging out for Christmas. So it means the world to me that I'm welcome somewhere. The holidays are hard for me anyway. It's only been a month here, maybe next year I'll have plans here. So anywho, if you'd like to view me whilst I'm in the States you can find me there.

Finally, someone asked me tonight where I'm from, and I said, "I'm from Alabama," and my voice cracked. I'd give anything for a Druid City Lamplighter IPA. Anything. I miss you all so much.

Roll Tide.

24 Day Update. It's gonna be okay

Today, I just wanted to come home. I'm not going to, but watching the Iron Bowl on tv made me miss my friends, miss Alabama and miss 14 big screens showing college football.

Then there's the neighbor/Steve issue. I left for 45 minutes. I sat outside the door for 5-10 minutes and listened to him bark until he quit. I returned to a note that he'd been barking all afternoon and to "do something about my dog." So apparently the neighbor is a bit of a drama queen.

But that 45 minute trip was completely worth it. I think I"ve mentioned Caoba Farms in a previous post. It's a restaurant, a farm, vendors set up shop and a little tienda (store), where I picked up some great stuff today...homemade pastas, cheeses and yogurts. Even picked up a chicken pot pie for dinner tonight. It's not the cheapest, but it's by my house and I don't have to navigate Antigua traffic.

It gave me the idea of selling gumbo or red beans and rice, stuff folks don't ordinarily have here, but it turns out okra is hard to find. And I probably couldn't make a profit, but it's something to think about.

Speaking of traffic, I bought a scooter. It's an Italika, which sounds Italian but nope it's Chinese. 125 hp of Chinese engineering between my legs. Completely absurd, but it was cheap and given my luck with vehicles will surely not last long. Anyway,, the walk to town from my apartment was getting tedious so something had to be done. It was no easy task. Well, buying it was. But this week, I have to go get a NIT (kinda like a SSN or tax id) and some other thing from the police station before they can issue me a tag. Then they'll send the tag in a month or so. Guatemala, man. Luckily, my shuttle driver Raul navigated me through the process, so I should be okay.

Residency is applied for. Not as difficult as I imagined. A girl in my Spanish class tried to do it herself. She got there at 10 am, waited all day and was then told they were closing before they got to her. The $700 or so I'm paying Bety Lopez, a tramitador (sort of a lawyer but not really) is worth every penny. Went to migracion, waited 30 minutes, gave the clerk my docs and we were out the door. Now this is supposed to keep me from having to do the 90 day visa run until it is approved, but we'll see about that.

Spanish school. After only 3 days, 3 hours per,  I'm able to understand alot more. My teacher, Lesvia, said in 6 weeks I should be getting around just fine. One thing they don't tell you when you get out of school full-time is that you forget how to learn. You just don't use your brain in that way anymore, and it's definitely a "use it or lose it" thing. After the first day, I was overwhelmed and frustrated because I wasn't retaining anything. But I'm back into a rhythm, re-writing everything down (it's how I learn), and it seems to be coming back to me.

I'd be lying if I said I was totally happy here. There are parts of home that I miss. But I still talk to my good friends almost as often, and that makes all the difference. The holidays aren't my best times either, so I'm sure that has something to do with it as well. But, it's only been 24 days, and I'm already happier here than I was in Orange Beach. The people are nicer, the weather is better and I really think this could be the place for me for awhile.

Hasta luego, I have to conjugate verbs.

TRANSITIONS, DIFFICULTIES AND PLEASANTRIES.

This transition has been, in many ways, harder than I expected, but in others, easier than I expected.

I chose Antigua because, of the Central American towns and cities, it is both cosmopolitan and navigable. By that I mean, it is not a huge town so I figured it would be relatively easy to meet people here...and it has been, thankfully. But also it is very multicultural, so I figured not knowing Spanish at first would not be that big of a deal. I could not have been more wrong. As far as going out at night and such, it is not that big of a deal, but in day-to-day functioning, it is a huge vacuum.

Case in point: I needed to pay my tramitador (a sort of lawyer, who is processing my residency forms), and she gave me her bank account number to deposit the money. So, my plan was to go to the bank with my credit card and have them pay it from the card into the account. I got there and not one person in the bank even spoke pidgin English, so that was a no go. I ended up finding a work around through my online bank, so it all worked out, but that is not the point. Situations will arise that I am not going to be able to navigate due to the language barrier, and that is overwhelming and frustrating. For example: I need to buy a car, I think. My apartment is just far enough from town that walking every day is a little much. But I can't because I don't speak the language not only to buy it, but also to navigate the avalanche of forms that the Guatemalan government requires to buy a car. So I walk, and I walk, and I walk. My feet hurt all the time.

Monday (tomorrow) I am going to check out a recommended Spanish school to remedy that problem, but it won't be an overnight fix, so really I've just got my fingers crossed that nothing goes horribly wrong between now and the six weeks or so that it will take for me to become somewhat functional in the native language.

I don't know what to do about Steve. He is barking when I leave him in the kennel, which is something that he did occasionally in Orange Beach, but not often. The walls here are thin (despite their being made of concrete, which I don't really understand), and my neighbor has complained. So, I went and bought some valium, which I have given him at night when I am not taking him with me. This is obviously not a long-term solution, but I am hoping he will begin to associate his kennel with going to sleep, and the barking will stop. If it doesn't, I don't know what I'm going to do. I take him everywhere with me during the day, and that's fine for now, but I will need to shop for groceries eventually, and I'd rather not have to medicate the pup just so I can go buy food.

This post was not intended to be a bitch session, so let me tell you that the good does outweigh the bad and I would recommend doing this to anyone. Last night, I was at a bar called "The Snug."

At the bar with me were two Dutch guys, some Australians (Aussies are really annoying btw, like even louder Americans), a Norwegian fella who went to high school in Cleveland and Bama Bob from Dothan. The value of travel is not in the places you see or in the pictures that you take. It lies in the people that you meet and the perspectives that you learn. This will sound preachy, and I don't care: dammit Americans, get out of your own country and see the world, and not the places the guide books send you.  I'll never understand the value of going to Seaside, when you can literally go to Latin America or Europe for the same price. Get out of your protective bubble, guys.

If the last week has taught us anything, it's that we are entirely too afraid of people who aren't just like us. Travel is the cure. People are good; they are helpful; and they are kind. Everywhere.


I mentioned that it has been easier than expected in some ways, and it has. Primarily, it has been really easy to meet people. Though it may come as a surprise to those of you who know me, and think I'm an extrovert because I am if I know you, I am painfully shy with strangers. I have no idea what to say, what to talk about, and I can't imagine why anyone would want to talk to me in the first place. I lived in Orange Beach, Alabama for three years and left knowing about four people whom I didn't know before, if that's any indication of how crippling the shyness is. Here, though, people are incredibly welcoming and outgoing. They actually introduce themselves and talk to me, and it keeps happening over and over so I'm assuming it's not a fluke or some elaborate joke. I mean, it's just been introductions and casual talk, nobody's asked me to hang out or anything, but maybe that will come one day.

So, despite the frustrations and the occasional urge to say "fuck this," pack my stuff and move back to my comfort zone, I know that's not in my long-term best interest. It won't happen immediately, but I think maybe I can get my smile back here in Antigua, Guatemala, and that's been missing for a very long time. Cheers!

THE FIRST WEEKEND IN ANTIGUA....I LIKE IT, I REALLY LIKE IT

It's Sunday, and the first weekend in Antigua, Guatemala is drawing to a close. Gotta say, this town is cool. I brought a friend from home, Michelle, to help with the settling in process. I also don't deal with stress well alone,  so I figured a comforting presence would be helpful.

Michelle...a tad overserved

First, traveling with a dog to Guatemala is super easy. The process before hand is exhausting but actually doing it? Piece of cake. The folks a United PetSafe made it super easy from Houston, which is good because the Cubs had won the World Series in 10 innings the night before, so I was somewhat the worse for wear. In Guatemala, you basically get a pet concierge. She led us through the entire process, and we were through customs in 15 minutes and on the road.

Thursday was mostly spent unpacking and getting settled in. Friday found us at Cafe No Se, which is my favorite bar down here, chatting and shooting mescal with the ever hilariously lovely Jacki behind the bar.

Saturday came and we decided to go to breakfast and check out Caoba Farms, which is just a short walk down the street from my house. This place is great, and I'm pretty sure I'll be spending alot of time there. They are open every day, but on Saturdays there is live music all day, food and drink, whatnot. Bluegrass band was playing when we got there, and we decided to grab some breakfast. Actually, I've met the banjo guy before when his band played at NoSe when I was down here last. He'd been to Mobile, and was saying that he never imagined he could make a living playing the banjo in Guatemala, but here he is. So that's cool. Anyway, breakfast was amazing, the "Typical Farm" was black beans, chicken sausage,

sourdough toast, fruits, potatoes, homemade jellies. The cool thing is that your breakfast is literally made right in front of you. In addition to breakfast, there are folks selling their wares like at any farmer's market. There's also a permanent indoor market where you can get organic olive oils, balsamics, fruits and veggies and whatnot. They also make their own yogurt and hummus there. The yogurt is the USD equaivalent of $1.20 for a regular sized cup. and the hummus tub is about $3.00. Suck it, America.

Finally, and most delightfully, lest you think things are different here in Guatemala, right there at Caoba Farms, I enjoyed Breakfast With The Barn, a tradition like no other (Auburn football stuck in the morning game again, for those of you who aren't on Twitter). There is supposedly a shuttle that runs from Caoba to Parque Central every hour on the hour, but someone arrived by tuk tuk, so we grabbed that back to town to do a little shopping.

Up on the main avenue in town, Alameda de la Santa Lucia (it looks alot like Canal St., if you've been to New Orleans, is the Central Market. (which is alot like the
French Market in NOLA, before Katrina and huger, much huger...cheap knockoff stuff, amazing produce, and a good bit of handmade stuff). I picked up some produce, Michelle found some souvenirs for some folks back home and I found the most amazing thing for one of my besties. He and his wife are having a baby, and man I hope it's a boy or a lesbian because just look at this thing. Hand made Infant.Sized. Pancho. GTFO.

So anyway, after some needed rest...*aside* I have flat feet, so walking really isn't a thing that I can physically do as much as I want. Like, I was in corrective shoes as a child. Yes, I was that kid. Those shoes didn't correct shit, by the way. The dogs still bark all the time... we ventured back out to watch the main event: The Crimson Tide and a team that like to talk about beating the Tide, but also a team that Bama has now beaten six times in a row. #RTOTA We posted up at Monoloco, the gringoest of the local bars, but they have about 10 flat screens showing all the games, so it was an easy choice. We'll likely head back there this afternoon to watch the Saints. I met the owner, Billy, a UVA guy...(poor thing), and it turns out he's my neighbor.

So I guess that's it. I'll wait for Michelle to wake up and we're heading to Cafe Condesa for brunch before the game because it's Sunday and that's what white people do on Sunday. WhoDat.

Oh, please remember and never forget that The Chicago Cubs won the World Series in 2016 and the St. Louis Cardinals did not. More later, skaters.

3 Days Out....The Last Post About Expectations

Since the last post accidentally turned into a blues cruise, I thought I'd intentionally pivot and talk about what I'm excited about. I am not excited that I just ended a sentence with a preposition, but I digress.

First, I was fortunate to meet Scott Garrison, who runs both Ceiba and Buena Onda, and he asked me to run the social media programs for both organizations. The companies are the same generally in that they both focus on volunteerism, but with different groups.

Ceiba works with students who want to come to Guatemala and complete a service project, whether it is for the summer, spring break or a semester.

Ceiba sets up projects and provides room and board with the other students with the goal of developing global citizens. Check out the video. The intent here is not to recruit your kids, but if they'd like to check it out, let me know.

Buena Onda, on the other hand, works with adult professionals. For example, Buena Onda just placed a physician at one of the villages on Lake Atitlan to work with people on dietary needs, especially as it relates to diabetes.You can check out his blog here. 

So that's the main thing that I will be doing. I hope to meet some more people and maybe expand into working with other organizations. But this is a good start, I think.  I'm also going to enroll in Spanish classes, because apparently 9th grade Spanish and 3 years of French aren't sufficient to get around in Guatemala. Fortunately, the classes are incredibly cheap. My plan to to do four hours a day for three months and see where I stand. Hopefully, that will be enough to become relatively fluent.

So the last time I was down, I found a place to live. Really, I found Steve a place to live. I would have liked to have been a little closer to town, but it's still only about 8 blocks to the central park in the middle of town and it has great green space for Steve to play. It looks like this. It's really not as big as it looks. Once you walk in, there's a giant courtyard with apartments around it. There's also a rooftop terrace for views of the volcanoes.

Sorry for the awful light, but I rented it late in the day and that's the best I could do. Also, finding a place that allows pets is a pain in the ass. While it's a decent walk into town, it is only a couple of blocks from Caoba Farms, the local farmer's market/eco-restaurant whatnot, which seems like a really cool place to hang out. And cabs will take you anywhere in town for about $2 USD. I still haven't decided whether I'm going to get a car or a scooter or what, but I can't see myself walking everywhere all the time.

Let's see. Activities. Beyond work and school, the next challenge is watching American sports. Thankfully, baseball is in the 21st Century, so I can watch the Cubs on the mlbtv from anywhere in the world.  Internet connections are as good if not better in Guatemala than at my house in Orange Beach. Actually, it's much better, so in theory watching the Tide and the Saints shouldn't be a problem. But the issue is access. Alot of apps don't allow international access, so I may be using pirate sites. Otherwise, there's always Monoloco, a bar that caters to gringo types. They have all the HDTV big screen amenities. But I'd rather not schlep to a bar for every game, so I hope I can find a way to do it from home.

Today is Sunday, and I'm driving to Houston on Wednesday to fly out Thursday morning. So this will be my last post on what I expect, the next one will be coming to you live from Antigua, Guatemala. But expectations are what they are and reality will likely be incredibly different. But either way, I'm looking forward to it.

7 Day Countdown Begins. How Do You Miss Something You've Not Left Yet?

It's Thursday. I'll be on a plane at this time next week, and I'm starting to feel a little nostalgic, even though I'm still here. It's pretty much an emotional whirlwind when you do this. Some days, I'm really excited for the adventure. Other days, it's just exhausting because there's too much to do an never enough time. Still others are sad. There are things that I will miss desperately about this place. Really, it's not days; it's more hours and minutes that all those feelings wash over me. Sometimes all at once.

What will I miss? I'll miss living in Alabama. Yes, everything people say about Alabama is true. There are so many hateful, racist people here, and alot of them don't even know they are doing it. Yes,

Alabama, you are embarrassing most of the time. But that's not the Alabama that I know, the Alabama I wish people saw more of. The smartest, most accepting and funniest people I've ever met live here, and I wish people knew that. Y'all keep doing that and maybe one day your voices will drown out the hatred and the ignorance.

I'll miss football weekends in Tuscaloosa, but probably not the way you think. The game has become almost secondary to me. Football Saturdays have become synonymous with smoked meats, and Lamplighter IPAs at Druid City Brewing for me, and Jacob, Bo, Elliot and all the great people who gather there. If you haven't spent a Saturday there, do it. Tuscaloosa is magical. There are prettier places, sometimes I wish it wasn't so hyper-focused on athletics, but it's a place that shaped my belief

system and I've never met kinder people anywhere.

I'll miss New Orleans. For 40 years, I've never known what it means to miss New Orleans, as the song says, but I'm about to find out. Living so close, I've developed close friendships there, watched the Saints win a Super Bowl there, and had some of my best times as an adult there.

I'll miss my friends. I know I'll still talk to Metz pretty much daily and there are a few other people, you know who you are, who are necessary to my life that I'll talk to frequently. But visits home will be short, and I won't get to see everyone I'd like to see. So, I'm sure some of us will drift apart, and that makes me sad. I do hope that those of you who have said you'll come to Guatemala actually do it. It would mean the world to me.

Well, I didn't mean for this installment to be a downer, but it turned out that way. But with change there's good and there's bad. I still think the good will prevail, and this is going to be a net positive thing for me. I remain excited. The countdown begins.

IT'S A NIGHTMARE....LITERALLY.

For awhile now, I've been having panic attacks about the move. I wake up after having slept about 3 hours and lie there stressed, thinking about what has to be done between now and November 3rd. Because I can't actually go to sleep, I'm finding myself enjoying a few whiskey drinks to help me sleep. Not that I mind that, but drinking that much during the week isn't really my thing anymore. The reality is, there isn't that much to do, but I keep stressing about what can go wrong.

First, is the dog issue.

It's not a difficult process to import a dog. There's no quarantine or anything, but it is a time crunch. I have to get him certified healthy by a USDA vet. It may come as a shock to you, but there isn't a USDA certified vet in Orange Beach. So I have to go to Mobile. Then, Guatemala requires that the certification be....wait for it...certified again by the USDA office in Montgomery and then that certification has to go to the Guatemalan Consulate for yet another, you guessed it, certification. That's all fine and good except USDA vet certification has to happen within 10 days landing in country. So yeah, not sure if that's going to happen or not. Obviously, I'm FedExing, but Guatemalans tend to operate on their own time which has me stressed over whether the Consulate certification will get back to me in time. But, it will all be worth it when Steve and I are in the new apartment hanging out doing doggy and daddy stuff. I know, he's adorable. You don't even have to say it. 

I keep thinking I'm forgetting something. I wake up at night thinking I've forgotten to do something important. 

My condo still hasn't closed, and I am going insane. They have explained to me why, and I understand, but they don't seem to get that I'm leaving the country. I've told them; they know. But they don't seem to get that this can't continue to drag on. It also prohibits me from doing some things I need to do, like arranging transportation in Antigua. My apartment is close to town, so I can walk, but that's not something that's realistic long term. Folks gotta buy groceries and all that. I'd like to go ahead and buy a car or a scooter so it will be waiting on me when I get there, but I can't because this damn condo hasn't closed. 

I keep thinking it's not going to close. I wake up at night in sweats wondering what I'll do if it doesn't. 

There's just so much to do. Things you don't even think about needing to do until you take this on. And I'm doing it alone which makes it all the more difficult. I can physically do it alone, but I don't always trust my decisions so I'd like to have somebody to bounce the every day crap off of. 

I keep thinking I've done the wrong thing. I wake up at night wondering when this entire venture is going to explode in my face. 

I really hope everything goes smoothly. 

SO I DECIDED TO MOVE TO ANTIGUA, GUATEMALA

Folks ask me why. Why Guatemala? Why Antigua? Why anywhere, really? There are alot of answers.

I have wanted to live abroad for awhile...I probably got the bug when I went to France for the first time. I just saw it as a better way of living. People bought their food in open markets and everything seemed fresher. Fast food was not a thing there, and they walked everywhere.  They seemed to enjoy life more, and maybe that was just my impression or the one I wanted to have. But I mean, just look at it.

But it also costs a billion dollars a day to live there and the Schengen agreement keeps it from being a reality unless you're an EU citizen.

Second, I became REALLY super tired of practicing law. The more I did it, the more I knew that it was not something that I could do for the rest of my life. For those of you who don't know me, I have some substantial issues with clinical depression, and going to a job every day that I hated compounded the problems. I tried a few other things, like maybe getting a job in legal marketing, where I could combine my legal experience with my background in advertising and marketing, but after exhaustive applications and interviews, it became clear that it was just never going to work out. Maybe if I had found something else to do that I liked, I would not be leaving, but I didn't so here we are.

Third, my mom passed away a few years ago, and I was fortunate enough to inherit her pension from the Retirement Systems of Alabama, so that allowed me a little bit of financial freedom. It's not alot of money, but in the right place, it could be substantial. Here, it's just a drop in the bucket.

I can't remember how I discovered it, but I did and I wish that I had discovered it sooner, but several countries in Central and South America offer a pensionado program. That is, for folks with a lifetime pension above a certain amount (Guatemala: $1,000USD), you are eligible for residency. Residency provides quite a few benefits...tax free importation of US goods, chief among them. With that in mind, I started checking out countries. First choice: Buenos Aires: too expensive; Expat haven: Cuenca,Ecuador: cool, but also a little over my budget to live in the middle of town. Panama & Costa Rica: they've been discovered. Folks love to go on and on about Costa Rica but they haven't looked into the cost. (If I hear one more, "Costa Rica, bro" from people who haven't done any research..) Nicaragua: okay, the price is right but damn it's hot. And electricity is the highest in the Americas. I'm not down for Alabama Augusts for 12 months of the year and a $400 power bill. So I stumbled onto Guatemala. "Ok, I said to myself, this place is freaking gorgeous."

 But you never know about a place until you actually go there. It's Guatemala, and I'd heard there's crime. But I figured it was worth a shot. So I packed up and went down for a week and I was sold. The pictures don't do it justice. Then the prices. You can spend as much or as little as you want in Antigua. I've had $30 USD dinners and I've had a menu del dia lunch for $3. And then there's the weather. It's 75 degrees in the day and 55 at night....every damn day. As for the aforementioned crime? I wouldn't move to Guatemala City if I were you, but Antigua is probably the safest city in the Americas. There's random muggings of tourists if you're wandering around at night talking on an iphone, sure. But as for real danger to people who have traveled and are aware that you shouldn't be conspicuous about your possessions in a poor country? No problem.

They have a rainy season for six months out of the year, but I purposefully went down during it to see if that's something I could tolerate. It turns out, "rainy" to Guatemala and to someone from Mobile, Alabama mean entirely different things. Their rainy is a gulf coast September. Showers in the afternoon. Whatever.

The place is surrounded by three volcanoes, and there are roof top decks at every house, restaurant and bar. Occasionally, Volcan Fuego will erupt a litttle. It's not some violent thing where lava comes flying at you and there's no escape, but a little bit of lava at night is a beautiful thing.

Finally, the last reason I chose Antigua is the people, both Guatemalan and the expat community. I don't speak much Spanish (though there are one billion Spanish schools in Antigua, so that will change soon), but the people were incredibly warm and friendly. And because an expat community is by its nature transient, the expats were exceedingly nice and made me feel welcome immediately. Living where the people are nice....who knew that was possible?

So that's the "Why Antigua?" post. Since I decided to move, I have found an apartment, a job, and I am doing all the necessary things to move myself and trusted dog Steve on November 3rd. More about all that later. Hasta luego!